It´s finally spring! Blackbirds wake me up each morning with their beautiful songs. Everything becomes green and new. Our church has also moved into a new, very beautiful and cozy building. There´s a spirit of optimism and celebration. My second book is also set in spring and is just getting its finishing touches. I am a background singer at some events where I meet new people. We even sang at a gala dinner, where I (coincidentally...) sat next to the bishop. God gives interesting encounters. Theological discussions with a wide variety of people. My horizons widen. And I'm a bit tired too.
But the most important conversation this spring I had with a friend. God persuaded me to finally speak with her. I didn't really want to. My gut feeling and my ego didn't want to. But my heart knew that God was right and that I would feel better when obeying Him. I have already learned a lot about forgiveness on another occasion and I did not want to wait that long this time. It had been long enough anyway. I had distanced myself and felt sorry for myself. But God hasn't allowed me to get bogged down in lies and make things worse. This friend had made a mistake. I had allowed my feelings to build up and became bitter towards her. I had to get rid of that. But this is only possible if I speak the truth. "We need to talk. What you said hurt me a lot." And then we talked. And she was glad that I had reached out to her, because of course she had noticed that something was wrong. But guessing is often difficult.
She apologized. I forgave her. My heart healed at this point. And so did our relationship. No more hidden evil thoughts. Freedom.
Will we hurt each other again? Maybe. We are both sensitive.
But hopefully next time we will be quicker to talk and forgive.
We do not want to put everything on the scales. We make mistakes. But when it's a burden and God puts it on my heart to talk about it, I want to bravely leave my comfort zone. I want to open up and make myself vulnerable. Because this is the only way I can heal and grow.
I am not alone in such a situation: While saying the first sentence "We must speak" I pleaded inwardly that the Holy Spirit would give me the right words and bless our conversation. He was there. It was not about letting my frustration out or criticizing her, but about healing this negative experience. About bringing our brokenness to light and before God.
There are a variety of reasons why some sentences hurt so much and haunt us for a long time. Perhaps it is due to a similar experience from the past, to our family history or to the current hormone balance. But these sentences should not take deep roots in our hearts and proliferate. It is best to tear them out promptly. It is also possible to do it later, but that often means more work and effort and a prolonged suffering.
I want to take care of my heart and guard it well. Dig up stones, pull out weeds and dig up hard soil. So that my heart is soft and not hard. So that God's seeds can grow well in it. His word. His light. His joy.
Forgiveness is a very important part of caring for my heart.
They screw their eyes shut so they won´t have to look, so they won´t have to deal with me face-to-face and let me heal them.
Matthew 13:15
Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that´s where life starts.
Proverbs 4:23
Ligth-seeds are planted in the souls of God´s people,
Joy-seeds are planted in good heart´s soil.
Psalm 97:11