There are people who trigger us, who trigger negative feelings and behaviors in us. Although they may be innocent.
Yesterday I met an old friend for a cup of tea. We haven´t seen each other for years and it was nice to chat with her. But at some point I noticed that I had slipped back into old patterns of behavior. She had helped me a lot years ago. And I slipped back into this old role. I wanted to prove to her how well I am now. I was really over the top, which hasn't happened to me for a long time. I was surprised by my own behavior. There were feelings from the past that came up again.
There is another person in my life who often gave me the feeling that I wasn't good enough. The more I tried to please her, the more I made mistakes. Her critical spirit was not good. But for quite a long time I didn't manage to set healthy boundaries and become free from her expectations. This person stressed me out, but I really wanted to belong. I wanted her to like me. Since I became aware of this toxic relation, Jesus has changed me. I feel free!
Why do people sometimes have such power over us? Maybe they don´t even exercise this power, but we give them too much power in our thoughts and feelings. I don't want to blame these people in my life for my problems. Not the circumstances are the problem, but what I do with it. How I react to it. People only have as much power over me as I give them.
We learned a lot about friendship in our childhood and youth. There are toxic friendships where you get bullied if you give the wrong answer. You want to belong. And realize far too late that this is not true friendship. I definitely took some damage with me from my school days.
Good thing it's different with Jesus! He lifts me up and makes me grow. He triggers positive things in me, evokes the best in me, not my worst. He sucks evil out of me and onto the cross. He takes away my sins and does not hold them against me. He helps me and heals me.
I let myself go with my old friend. With Jesus, I can let go.
I don't have to prove anything to him. I can't fool him. I neither need to show him how good I am, nor how bad I am. I don't have to impress him. He knows and loves me as I am.
This is security and freedom.
This is unconditional love.
I have a new favorite word in Hebrew: "chesed."
You can't translate it into any language, but it means something like "unconditional love, generosity and loyalty."
This is how God is to us.
His chesed endures forever! (Psalm 136)
God, God, a God of mercy and grace, endlessly patient - so much love, so deeply true - loyal in love.
Exodus 34:6