I'm so glad that my self-worth is finally grounded in God's love (when exactly did that happen?)! It is liberating and relaxing. I´m not in a panic anymore if I haven't found the right words or said too much again. I don't judge myself anymore. And if such negative thoughts should arise, I inwardly shrug my shoulders and say, "Jesus still loves me – and so do I!" (To be fair, this sentence also works for the mistakes of others...) In the past, my overthinking often wore me down. Now it is quiet and peaceful inside. Quite for some time now. In the beginning, I didn't trust the peace. But I'm slowly getting used to it! And I realize that it's true: if you like yourself, you also like others more. Love better. Finally, the Holy Spirit in me has made me feel loved and accepted as I am! Regardless of the reaction of others. Although this is better now, too. I don't wear myself down anymore and others somehow don't do it either. Not that I wouldn't make any mistakes anymore. But actually less. Because I'm not so stressed and anxious anymore. Years ago I read that it takes love and unconditional acceptance to be able to learn. Stress and anxiety prevent our brain from learning! And dreaded mistakes happen even more.
Various experiences and words have helped me to see that this need for recognition and belonging is fulfilled in Jesus. I don't need to look for it externally. It's in my heart. I am accepted and loved. And nothing and no one can take that away from me. I don't have to adapt to belong. I belong and I am loved. Just as I am. It's relaxing. It gives peace of mind.
I always wanted to be a safe haven for others, like my mentor friend Diane. But I wasn't even one for myself. Then I thought, never mind. If I can´t be a haven, then I'm a lighthouse! And I like this role. Even if it´s lonely. But in this shining and courageously standing alone, Jesus healed something in my heart. I have learned to accept His grace for myself. And with that, I have become more gracious with others. I forbid myself the need to judge others and experience freedom in the independence from the judgment of others over me. I cover up failure. Even my own. Jesus died and rose again. He took care of it. Therefore I am good and righteous and whole (Acts 13:39). Even if I'm embarrassing sometimes. I learn to laugh at myself and to comfort myself. Only briefly. Then I go on. And if it affects others too, then I try to apologize as quickly as possible. A friend, who sometimes suffered from my directness, told me this: "You just have to apologize more often." Just like that. Very liberating.
Thank God there is forgiveness!
I can be cheerful and carefree. Because that's how God made me.
I can use my gifts, even if there are people who are jealous.
I`m on my way with God and I´m learning.
And nobody can take that feeling of belonging away from me.
May the God of green hope fill you up with joy,
fill you up with peace,
so that your believing lives, filled with the life-giving energy of the Holy Spirit,
will brim over with hope!
Romans 15:13