Whether you belong does not depend on external factors. It's in your heart.
Belonging and loneliness are topics that keep me busy every now and then. And I've discovered that I'm not the only one who sometimes feels lonely at church.
Why is that? And what can be done about it?
Sometimes we're sad that we don't belong, and sometimes we're proud that we don't care. We want to belong, but not at any price.
A lecture by Rene Brown addresses these topics very well. Her thoughts on this are liberating.
Here are my notes:
Loneliness kills. We do need social contacts. Studies show that lonely people die earlier.
In being creative we can share and overcome our loneliness. With music, art and writing, for example.
Don´t offload your pain. Feel it!
We usually stand alone at the important milestones in life. Alone and afraid but alive. Like an adventure in the wilderness.
Find strength in standing alone!
Should I choose to fit in? Or belong to myself?
There is beauty and strength in standing on your own.
I can only belong to something if I belong to and believe in myself first.
We are connected in a fundamental way that can never be disconnected. Art shows that.
Stop walking through this world looking for confirmation that you don't belong! Because you will always find it.
Stop walking through this world looking for confirmation that you're not good enough! Because you will always find it.
Your self-worth and your belonging are not external. We carry it in our hearts.
You can only really change when it is driven by self-acceptance.
Self-acceptance does not make you arrogant!
We all have the need to be seen and known and loved.
And we have the need to see and know and love others.
Arrogance is an armor to not get hurt.
But this armor does not really protect but keeps others from seeing and loving us.
Make yourself vulnerable!
It's not about winning or losing. It's about showing up and being seen.
I want to be creative. I want to show up and be seen in my work and in my life.
If you live like this, one thing is sure: you will be criticized.
It takes courage to make yourself vulnerable and to show yourself.
Without vulnerability you cannot create.
Be honest! Get real! So people can see you.
Don't listen to the critics from the cheap seats!
It takes courage to stand alone. You belong everywhere and nowhere.
Vulnerability means: to show up and be seen when you can´t control the outcome.
Show up in an authentic way and let us see your heart! Because we know how lonely you actually are.
Grow resilience to shame. When something goes wrong, talk to yourself like with someone you love. "You screwed up. What you said was super hurtful. You have to circle back and clean this up." And then talk to someone.
Shame can´t survive empathy. Shame cannot hold on to being spoken. The courage to talk about it deflates shame.
Own your story or it owns you.
True belonging is a spiritual practice.
Be prepared to stand alone. Take a risk. Stand by your opinion and your personal values.
Who I am is non-negotiable. You cannot discuss it with me. My identity is in my heart. You don´t define it. Or I would fit in with you, but not belong to myself anymore.
If we don't care what people think, we lose our ability to bond.
But when we define ourselves by what people think, we lose our ability to be vulnerable.
I am part of something bigger. But I can also stand on my own if necessary.
I belong everywhere and nowhere. This is liberating.
When you show up and be seen, there are always three uninvited guests in the audience. They are always there: shame, scarcity and comparison.
(Am I good enough? There are many people who can do it better than me!)
Accept that those three they are there but show up and be seen anyway!
What you need:
-Clarity of your own values, and the courage to stand by them.
-At least one person to help up when you fall. (Someone who loves you not despite but because of you are.)
These thoughts have been occupying me for a few days and they do me good!
It shows a healthy alternative to the vicious circle of armoring up and hurt. Because it puts the focus away from the outside in. Whether I belong is not determined by my environment.
I belong because I belong to Jesus. He defines my identity and no one else.
I can show myself vulnerable and stand on my own.
I can make mistakes and show up again.
We are all lonely at some point. But I don't have to fit in for you to belong.
I am who I am. And I belong.
I will talk to the Father, and he´ll provide you another Friend so that you will always have someone with you. This Friend is the Spirit of Truth. You know him already because he has been staying with you, and will even be in you!
John 14:16