Yesterday I told the friends in my small group that I am still learning to say: I am okay the way I am. I mean, we hear that a lot: We are accepted and loved. But between knowing, believing it to be true, and living by it are often worlds. I know that I make mistakes. That I hurt others. That I also betray myself. But. I'm ok, even with my mistakes! God loves me as I am. And I´m growing in accepting this grace.
Here´s what my wise friend in this group told me in response to my "I am okay":
"God created the trees, and he said they're okay! And then he created Julia and he said she's very good!... And then came sin... And then Jesus came..."
This is grace. I'm even Very good again!
Without my merit. With my mistakes. The message of the cross never gets old. Not even for Christians! We are free from the power of sin in our lives. I don't have to analyze every conversation afterwards. There is grace behind me! I live in the now with Jesus, trying to focus and listen to him, to love him as much as I can. The past belongs to him as well: Jesus cleans up what is behind me.
Perhaps grace is sometimes a broom and a shovel. Jesus is my King – and yet he kneels behind me on the floor and clears away the shards. He also cuts his hands in the process. It hurts. But at the same time, Jesus is also standing next to me and he is going in front of me and wants me to look forward. That I leave The Jesus behind me to do the work that I cannot do myself. And look deeply into the eyes of The Jesus right next to me and accept his love. And follow The Jesus before me, even if I don't know where he is going. Jesus is Lord of my past, my present, and my future. He is the one who was, who is and who is to come. He is working everywhere and at the same time. Like a time traveler. I look back, and there is Jesus cleaning up, making up for me. I look forward and there is Jesus knowing what will happen. And I look into the now, my most important time, because I can experience Jesus right here.
At this very moment I am looking out of the window and although there are a lot of dark clouds today, there is a small hole, a bit of blue sky, framed by bright white clouds, and the sun is dazzling through! It´s shining straight on me. And I can see and enjoy it now, in this unique moment.
A few days ago I was also sitting at the desk when I suddenly noticed that Lucy, our cat, was hunting a bird in our garden. I quickly ran out, grabbed Lucy and discovered that it was a baby bird sitting under the lilac bush! A young great tit. I have often watched his parents and their loud singing has woken me up every morning at just after four. Apparently, they managed to raise cubs in our garden, despite the cat! The baby bird was already quite big. Only clumsy in flying. Lucy wanted to grab him a few more times, so I picked up the bird to protect him. He sat in my hand for a while and then flew only a short distance before landing on the ground again. (I tried to explain to him that he´d better take a break further up, on the tree, for example, where the cat doesn't get to so quickly.) After a few attempts, he actually managed to fly high enough and he flew over the tree and away from our garden! That made me smile! (And Lucy got an extra serving of raw meat instead.)
I could draw parallels again now, right? Sometimes I'm a clumsy little bird that has yet to learn how to fly. And Jesus protects me. But sometimes I am also a wild cat that wants to live out her instincts and hunt innocent baby birds, even though there is enough food. And Jesus protects my victim. But maybe this parable is a bit too far-fetched...
Anyway, I like birds.
And cats.
And I like myself too.
Finally.
Grace and peace to you from him who is, and who was, and who is to come.
Revelation 1:4