I want my pain to be productive.
I have had painful experiences recently where beliefs and patterns of behavior that are mine have proven to be wrong, or at least obstructive. Minimalism and letting go are good for those aspects of life too, even if it is hard. Old beliefs have grown and solidified. Become too fundamental maybe. Too central. I put God and His Word into a box because I wanted to understand Him. And thus unintentionally made him small. It was too important to me this particular topic. And although it certainly is important, it is not vital. I thought there were no real Christians disagreeing with me on this point. And then I´m flabbergasted when realizing that there are faith heroes in my church who do not share my faith on this point. What does this mean for me and my faith? Surely there must be a right and a wrong? It kept me busy and tormented for weeks. My faith was hurt. Until I spoke a serious word with God and my heart. And he asked me to let go of this fight. He is bigger. I don't have to defend him. I neither know nor understand. Neither do the others, of course. And that's ok. But this letting go was quite hard for me! It was not just any topic, but one that I dealt with and researched very thoroughly in my youth. It was my personal battle of faith. And now I'm supposed to let it go. Because it's not essential. Because God's thoughts are higher than mine. It unsettles me. Because I have to let go of an idea of God. Because this topic now may be a question mark. I thought I was tolerant. But I am only in some respects. Now I peel a layer away from my faith and from my God. But it doesn't make him smaller. It unsettles me, but He remains the same. I don't know that much. But I know he loves me. And that his grace is greater than hoped.
I hurt people again and again. Not intentionally normally. This is a second point that frustrates me. Very much. I know I need to learn and grow. But do others have to suffer?
I want to resolve conflicts too quickly and look for explanations for the wrongdoer. Only that this does not help the victim. Codependency in action. A lot of things are still going wrong in churches. I am a victim and a culprit. Do we harm each other more than we help each other?
I want to get rid of bad patterns of behavior. Even if they are comfortable and minimalizing is exhausting. What are quick declarations designed to promote peace? Phrases that do more harm than good? How can I replace them, or can it simply remain empty? What happens if I can't say anything about it? I want to learn to endure emptiness. I enjoy emptiness in my apartment. Even if it is unusual at the beginning when a surface is completely empty. Can I also learn to leave a story empty? Not to decorate it? Can I stand not commenting on something? That there is no solution? Maybe minimalism will help me if I draw parallels. Even if things of the heart are of course heavier than material things.
I don't want to give up hope. The hope that God not only forgives, but also heals and redeems.
He is bigger and I don't have to save myself or others.
There is no such thing as self-rescue,
pulling yourself up by your bootstraps.
The cost of rescue is beyond means,
and even then it doesn´t guarantee Life forever,
or insurance against the Black Hole.
But me? God snatches me from the clutch of death,
he reaches down and grabs me.
from Psalm 49
I try to understand (grab) you, but instead you grab me.
You take me by my hand, I cast the shadow you the light.
If I understood you completely, you would be just as small as we are.
But you are bigger than my big and that's what I like about you.
Greater than knowledge, greater than pride, than anything I know
Greater than fear, greater than me, you are my God I honor you.
Translation of the Song "Größer" from Jonnis Schmidt