Sometimes I just want to write but I have chores to do. It kills me when too many things are on my list. When I have too many irons in the fire. Just like in the last few days. I´d love to retreat in a lonely hut on the mountain for a while and do my writing! It was a lot of phone calls, visits and text messages with friends and family last week. And that was good! But I can´t do it all. Time is limited. If I focus on relationships, I can't finish my current book, defrost the freezer, plan the next church service and write a blog. Not to mention cleaning, shopping and cooking. I should have known it didn't work that way! I put too much pressure on myself and wanted everything. It could have worked if everything went super smoothly. But that's not how it works. I am not a machine. And creative work, like writing, doesn't work under pressure. Sure I need some pressure: a certain time limit is good, otherwise I put it on the back burner. But stress doesn't help! If the apartment is messy and important family things to do, I can not write in peace. Then it is better, I stop and do the physical work first. At least you can see progress quickly in doing the household. Faster than only trying to write. But this morning I was jealous of my children: they were at the desk, and I was cleaning. I complained that they must help me more so that I can sit at the desk, too. It's time for more balance in the household here! I was angry! But then I found out what my 16-year-old daughter was doing at her desk: she prepared the Bible study for our meeting next week! And I scold because I have so much work. Oops! I was worried to having raised lazy kids and given them too few chores. I was worried to not having taught them enough. And then I find out that they have learned to work and set priorities. Ok, some things take longer. But they work for school and for the church. And this afternoon they also work in the kitchen: they bake a cake together for a friend's birthday. It looks like they can do life without me! Apparently, it didn't need my planning and scolding anyway, and I did it right. Maybe they learned everything from Matthias and me by watching us. And by chatting at the dining table or in the hallway. Maybe learning and growing work along the way, without me noticing it and consciously pushing it. I am proud of my children. And I can also be proud of myself! Not because I've done everything. Not because I'm so patient and understanding. I learn and grow. And my children do too. We are not perfect. We don't have to be. We are sometimes tired and unmotivated. Or overwhelmed and stressed. But it´s so good to have grace and love! In this family. In my relationship with God. Enough grace to let go and be thankful. I don't have to. I can't. God gives grace and that's enough. He loves me when I doggedly drag the vacuum cleaner through the apartment and don't know what to cook. When I feel sorry for myself because my contemplative thinking and creative writing are disrupted by such mundane things as cleaning the toilet and dealing with urgent errands. But I know it has to be. I don't live in a monastery. I have family and I want my life exactly as it is. Even if it is annoying at times. But that's how I learn! God shapes me through my everyday life just as He shapes me when I read the Bible. Along the way and unconsciously. He's a good Dad!
Show me how you work, God! School me in your ways!
Take me by the hand and lead me down the path of truth!
Mark me with your sign of love. Plan only the best for me, God!
If I keep my eyes on God, I won´t trip over my own feet.
Look at me and help me! I´m in big trouble.
My heart and mind are fighting each other;
Call a truce on this civil war!
From Psalm 25