We had a dispute in our appartement-house recently. (We live in a house with six apartments.) Some neighbors are very nice, others are a bit difficult. As it usually is. Sometimes you get annoyed about your neighbors: because they are so loud. Because their bike is always standing in the stairway. And they do not clean when it is their turn.
This difficult neighbor of ours recently got very upset because the toddler of the nice neighbor (attention: subjective narrator!) screamed loudly in the stairwell. And they also argued about the use of the common area behind the house, whether it is allowed to play there or not. I was glad that I was not directly involved in this fierce quarrel (I could hear the yelling though), but I strengthened my neighbor-friend´s back. Children just scream sometimes. And I'd rather hear the yelling of a three-year-old than the yelling of a man in his mid-fifties... Anyway, papers were posted in the stairwell and the nice neighbor highlighted some passages of the house rules with a yellow marker. A short time later, other parts of the rules were underlined in a different color. Then the guessing started. Who is bothered by what now? Which neighbor was the one with the red color? What might we be doing wrong ourselves? I exchanged views with the nice neighbor over a cup of tea. She said that the difficult neighbors might feel disturbed by our shoes, which are sometimes standing on our doormat in front of our apartment door. I've never even thought of that! And she, in turn, should perhaps not leave the bag with the sand toys next to the entrance door and no other vehicle or toy, except for the stroller. (I don´t like her doing that, but I tolerated it, because she is the nice neighbor...) Mhh... I think we all make mistakes. And only see the mistakes of others! I then suggested to her to better take the rules off again before it gets out of hand and that we should be merciful with each other and pay attention to our own mistakes and try to make it better. At night, God reminded me of Jesus' parable of the splinter and the log. Could it be that it is exactly the same here? I have already discovered a lot of splinters in my difficult neighbors! And what about me? I am the perfect neighbor of course! Always nice, no loud music and I do my job cleaning the stairway. Everything fine, isn´t it? No, not everything. I just don´t notice it. The shoes - although on our mat but directly in the entrance area - really do not look inviting. And isn't there a chair of ours parked under the stairs next to the cellar? Or is it a log?... Oh yes, the splinters of the others disturb much more than our own logs. The only question now is whether it is splinters or logs we are all walking around with? The more we get upset about the others, the more likely it will be logs. The psychological concept of projection comes to my mind as well. Often it is similar to our own weaknesses what bothers us the most in other people. And when someone catches us at a sore spot, that´s when we defend ourselves the most. Two people with logs in front of their eyes, quite great.
Should we now just stop criticizing and put up with everything?
-Setting boundaries is important. The neighbor must not become abusive and enforce his interests by tyrannizing others.
-I can learn through criticism. If no one had underlined the word "shoes" twice with a red pen, and the nice neighbor had not discreetly pointed out to me that this might mean us, then I would not have known that it was a problem. But in knowing, I have the chance to change my behavior. A lot of stuff like that is just a (bad) habit. When the kids were small (and especially their shoes!), the apartment was cramped, and it was convenient to let the shoes dry outside. Now the shoes have grown big... and our apartment is more spacious, because I have decluttered so much over the past years. There used to be a shelf in the hallway, and that would be a perfect spot now for two floor mats for drying wet shoes... Now I see it! Someone pointed me to a blind spot, or rather a splinter in my eye... Thank you!
Sometimes it would be easier to live in a house on your own... But it´s good for our character to share a house with neighbors. We must get along with others and be considerate of each other. This experience makes me humble and questioning. Where is it similar in family, with friends or in our church? Where do I complain about the splinters of others, even if it is just in my mind and I don´t tell it? And where are logs in my blind spot that I just overlook out of habit or convenience? Maybe I should change perspective sometimes. Coming to my apartment like I was a guest. Seeing myself with different eyes. But without despair! Being merciful. With others and with myself. If there is an opportunity to improve something, then I want to do it! And if there is an opportunity to forgive, then I want to do the same.
In our small group we have been working on the Lord's Prayer for some time now. We have noticed how important forgiveness is. Forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us...
I´m telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. Matthew 5:44
Don´t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults - unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That ciritcal spirit has a way of boomeranging. It´s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor´s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, "Let me wash your face for you," when your own face is distorted by contempt? It´s this whole traveling road-show mentalitiy all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor. Matthew 7:1-7
(The Message Bible doesn´t use splinters and logs here but a dirty face and a dirty attitude, which makes the point quite clear in my opinion...)