All my life I've thought of myself as an extrovert. Because I talk a lot when I'm with people. Because I approach people and sometimes like being in the center of attention. But it always exhausted me when I was with people. After a group event or meeting with several people, I always was exhausted. That's why I've been reading a lot all the time. While reading, I got down, recovered and refilled. I also loved being in nature by myself. Just sit by the water or look into the sky. That´s how I draw strength. And then I read that this means that I am introvert one day. That was an interesting discovery! Meanwhile, I think that at some point in growing up I started behaving like an extroverted person in order to fit in. "Don't be so shy! Just do it!" my parents pushed me. And I got the same feeling at my church that I should reach out to other people and tell them about Jesus. Be hospitable. Spend time with others. Good things, no doubt about that, but some of them put me under pressure. I wanted to be bold for Jesus! Friendly and open. Lead Sunday school for kids, discussion groups and youth work, evangelizations and serve wherever possible. I was excited about Jesus and wanted to do whatever I could for him. And I thought that I needed to be extroverted for that, focused on other people. Puh, it was exhausting!
By now, I´ve come to realize that I don't need to participate in all events. And that there are other ways to serve God, too. I rediscovered writing as my passion. (I always wanted to be a writer since I was a little girl!) And I find back to my roots more and more in becoming the person I was as a little girl, as a child, still undeterred by the fear of not belonging or not being liked. To the child whom God created me to be. I'm introverted and that's ok! All I have to do is learn to communicate this honestly to the outside world. Sometimes I force myself to do things that others (or I) expect from me. And it works so-so, but it is not fulfilling. I push myself through a kid’s program. I register for a women's meeting. And then I have headaches and am ready for vacation. It is hard to say where to set the limit: Every now and then you have to leave your comfort zone. It shouldn't be too many appointments in a row though. I need time alone. And I want to take that time. Then God fills my heart and gives me energy. And that blessing is overflowing. If I'm doing well, the people around me are better off. Then I can be a blessing. But often different than expected. Seemingly random sometimes. I try less and God gives blessings. "My power is mighty in the weak," says this God. And I am amazed by his gifts. But sometimes, I forget this phenomenon and then I want to be strong and do great things for God again. I try my best and do things that a Christian woman should do. Things that God expects of me, right? And I fall flat on my nose. Regularly.
It's good that I'm not so scared anymore and can laugh about my mistakes. I know that Jesus really loves me very much and that my mistakes and even my pride can't change anything about that! I don't wear myself down anymore because of my mistakes. Jesus forgave them!
Talked too fast again or criticized others? Forgiven!
Once again hurt someone unintentionally? Forgiven!
Once again, given clever advice without being asked? Forgiven!
In my extroverted efforts, I have often exaggerated it. Now I have to learn that it is ok to be introverted even in public.
Let us just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren´t.
Don´t burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflme. Live responsibly.
(from Romans 12)
You´ve always given me breathing room, a place to get away from it all.
(Psalm 61:3)