One week of cooking at the English-Camp for 36 persons just lies behind me.
Together with my best friend. -But with corona rules.
It was so exhausting! A real challenge!
I knew that it was going to be hard. That it would be an intensive time with little time for myself.
But I did not imagine it to be that hard really!
Most of the time we worked really hard for about 13 to 15 hours per day, with our head, hands and feet, and only about two breaks for about 30 minutes! We really reached our limits.
And just then it got better. When I said that I could not do this for one week.
I do what I can, but if the food is not ready on time, they just will have to wait.
If it is done too early and gets cold, well then it will just be cold food that time.
If we get too exhausted because we don´t have a day off as expected, then they will have to order pizza.
I stopped trying to make everyone happy. Stopped proving us being able to do this. That we have to fill everyone up and make everyone happy.
I let go of my goals.
I was wiped out when I told Jesus that I can´t do that: filling others up.
I asked him to do that for me: feeding me, filling up my heart.
And through me then feed others, if that is possible.
Then I went on with my bible reading plan, as I sat there on the iron staircase in the sun behind the kitchen.
It happened to be the end of Mark.
(I love reading the Gospel, especially the stories Jesus tells himself. But I don´t like reading about Jesus´ suffering. It is a sad story and I already know it.)
But on this day I read about Jesus breaking the bread and talking about his body being broken for us.
And it touches my heart in a whole new way.
Because he was broken, he became our salvation and our nourishment.
Jesus accepted it to be broken.
And I have the feeling that this serving at the English-Camp is breaking me in some way too.
It is a sacrifice. Something from me is being broken and Jesus is able to fill others trough me.
Not that my sacrifice has anything to do with the sacrifice of Jesus.
And yet: in being one with Jesus, we too experience this: being broken.
A seed that is put into the earth to die, before bearing fruit.
Letting go.
A few years ago I read the devotional book by Ann Voskamp “One thousand gifts”. There she writes about “the broken way”. How God allows pain in our lives and how this pain can grow into an amazing blessing. If we accept the suffering, the brokenness and don´t rely on our own strength but on God´s grace.
That is what I experienced while cooking.
It was only that short input from the Holy Ghost but it changed my point of view with the stress in the kitchen and while having to do the grocery shopping.
I still worked hard but I was not that grim any more.
Serving through brokenness. With what I have. In love.
I started observing the kids, to really seeing them – not just filling their plates in a hurry.
One of the counselors had put me under pressure in the beginning (because of the complicated corona rules nowadays we had been too slow in serving food the first time). A better planning, preparation and a moderation of the cooking plan helped us being faster – which was good for the program of the camp.
But “fast” is a dangerous goal for me!
That´s what I wanted to do before the Camp started: to keep me from being too fast!
And my friend Lisa is a good role model for this: she takes her time and does not let them rush her.
That´s one reason why I wanted to work with her. Her calmness does me good.
But I had to find this calmness in me as well.
And I found it in Jesus. In being broken and letting go.
I didn´t run anymore. I took my time with the hot trays in order to not get burned anymore; and with cutting the onions, in order to not get cut my fingers anymore.
Yes, there are a few scars! They remember me of this time. And at least one of these is going to stay behind.
I may not have learned these things voluntarily in that impressive way without the Camp experience.
Only in coming at the end of my rope and in having to give up, I gave in before God.
Thank God for that!
„Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out? Come to me and you´ll recover your life…
Walk with me and work with me – watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace.
I won´t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you´ll learn to live freely and lightly.,,” (Matthew 11, 28)
I want to learn to live this way. Even when times are not that extreme like while cooking for camp this week. Even when I don´t really have any other option than going to Jesus and to surrender.
I want to live this way in my everyday life. Even when I think, I could do it on my own.
I have to admit that I did left my comfort zone on purpose in order to learn. It was an intentional challenge.
Writing is something I like doing much more than cooking, I knew that.
Even preaching in front of a lot of people is something I prefer over cooking. (Actually I like it.)
But cooking is important. Food for the body, being cared for, feeling well: that´s really important for the kids as well as for the stuff of a camp. Even more important than preaching:
Community, food, talking, laughing.
God did use us. Everyone got filled up and they really enjoyed our food (exept for the burned marshmellows we tried to do in the oven! Haha!)!
We tried to do well to cook yummy, healthy and creative food.
We baked homemade cookies and cakes and did not buy them. We even did our own raspberry cream instead of buying yogurt. (But: in retrospect we could have made it a little bit easier for us as well!)
The kids were thankful and they told us so. There were some really nice encounters!
Although we as the cooks had to keep distance to everyone else because of corona. And we had to wear a face mask.
Jesus used us to bless others. Although and especially because it was actually too much for us.
Bread broken and shared.
Now I am glad being back home again doing my writing.
At home with my family I missed.
I feel like slowly recovering into my normal self again.
Like Jesus putting me back together again.
“God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I got my act together, he gave me a fresh start.
Now I´m alert to God´s ways; I don´t take God for granted.
Every day I review the ways he works; I try not to miss a trick.
I fell put back together, and I´m watching my step.
God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.”
(Psalm 18, 20-24)