Yesterday I was not part of an event I was not invited to.
I felt left out.
Do you know how that feels?
It is like not being invited to that cool birthday party back in kindergarten.
Although it was something totally different in this case and we are all grown up now...
It made me think about FOMO (fear of missing out) and do some research about it.
Actually FOMO is something concerning people who are always on the internet in order to not miss out anything their friends are doing. I don´t have that problem.
But sometimes I do feel excluded, when people I know well, have fun without me or worse, make important decisions without me.
Is this FOMO? Or envy? Fear of not being loved? Not being important?
Whatever it is, it doesn´t feel good. This feeling is here, even so I don´t want to admit it.
Where does it come from?
And what am I going to do with it?
I go to Jesus. He knows me in and out. X-rays my heart with an attitude of love.
Although I was really scared in the beginning of my friendship with Jesus, what He was going to find there.
But in the meantime I know through experience, that His light is always beneficial.
What is it this time, He is going to find in my heart?
Is it fear or pride? Fear of not being loved, pride of needing to be important?
He shows me what is not good. But it is good, when he brings it to light!
He can take these false things away and give me the real stuff instead.
I love having control and being part of decision making.
I want to be mighty but my might is ridiculous and cramped.
When I let go of my might, He gives me His might: I may be the king´s daughter.
Might under His control.
I am a king´s daughter and no mini dictator!
And the fear?
His love casts out the fear.
I am totally accepted. I don´t need to hide or try to fit in, in order to be accepted.
Sometimes it is hard for me to implement things adequately. Jesus says, we shall serve one another and put them above ourselves. But He does not mean that we should be a doormat for others.
He gives us dignity and an identity and we shall defend our frontiers.
But also deny ourselves and take that cross. Offer the other cheek.
Such statements confused me in the beginning of my faith journey and led me into false humility and wrong belief.
I made myself smaller than I was.
I thought a Christian has to accept everything and swallow it down.
Then I stopped doing that, because it does not work (and because God worked on my heart).
I have dignity, I have a right to be here, to take up space!
But I am not the center of the world either.
Both extremes are not good.
I want to take and defend the place God has for me.
I am not more than I am, but also not less.
I want to accept the fact that I can´t have everything, that I can´t take part in everything and I want to set priorities.
I want to be thankful for the positive things in my life. I want to be attentive and live in the here and now, not in the what if and had I only. I want to cultivate friendships. Not wait for the others to give a call or invite me, but to be active myself. Not to hide into my shell.
Social distancing is not good for me. I like being alone but not being lonely.
This keeping distance because of the corona crisis has somehow also led to an emotional distance to each other.
Others are dangerous. I could get infected. I could get hurt.
But we must take the risk! (Not according to corona, we should keep physical distance. But one meter is enough!
I don´t have to hide in my room. And we can reach out to each other, our hearts can seek and give closeness, although while keeping a physical distance!)
I know that only Jesus can fill me up and really satisfy me.
I hold up my shriveled heart to Him and I can sense how He fills me up again.
How my heart is soaking in the living water, like dried land.
The others don´t have to and can´t do that for me.
Now I am ready to approach to others again.
Without any pressure or expectations, that can´t be fulfilled anyway.
I am ready to give and receive.
Because my tank is being refilled.
Because I brought my plastic crown to the cross and got my real diadem again.
I am loved. I am strong.
Psalm 103, 3-5:
He forgives your sins – every one.
He heals your diseases – every one.
He redeems you from hell – saves your life!
He crowns you with love and mercy – a paradise crown.
He wraps you in goodness – beauty eternal.
He renews your youth – you´re always young in his presence.