I read Matthew 20 today. Two blind men cry to Jesus and he asks them: “What do you want me to do for you?”
Although it is quite clear, Jesus wants them to make a specific request. To pronounce it clearly.
What do I want from Jesus?
Am I able to express my plea, to say what I want?
I try to imagine a situation like this, seeing Jesus standing in front of me, asking me what I want him to do for me: What would I answer?
Would I answer spontaneously whatever came first into my mind, wherever I needed his help the most right now?
Or would it be a situation like in a fairy tale where you have only one wish to tell and therefore should make a wise decision for what it is you really want?
Like it was with Solomon? In his dream he asked God to give him wisdom, not wealth or a long life.
And God liked it. (1st King 3)
But as a child of God am I not allowed to express everything I need?
To ask Him for everything I need and He likes to give as a loving father? (Matthew 7,11)
What is it, I want from Jesus?
In general? Today? For me?
In physical terms, I have to think of my spine. For the last two nights two places of my back hurt awfully.
I had to get up very early because I couldn´t stand to stay in bed any longer. It was much better when I sat in a chair than when I layed in bed.
“Lord, heal my back!” I want to say.
Show me, what I can do to make it better or send me to the right therapist or just heal me in an instant with your hands inside my body!
And then I think to myself: But my heart is even so much more important than my back!
So if I have to choose, then please take care of my heart!
Some years ago I had the feeling that my heart was really hard like a stone.
I remember my prayer to the verses in Ezekiel 36,26:
„ I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”
My heart seemed to be so hard, like it was dead, unable to really love, selfish.
I asked Got to take my heart and keep it back then. He should only give it back to me, when I was ready for it because I was afraid my heart would soon turn hard again, after He had made it soft. I was afraid of failing again.
Slowly, through different circumstances and especially through His Word, God did change my heart.
It got softer. Still not soft enough, still stubborn and hard in some parts. Not soft, but softer. (Selfless love is still weakly developped.) But He has healed so much till now!
Romans 5,5 says: „God´s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.“
I am not able to really love. But I can be loved! Embrace love!
Open my heart for his love.
The love of God HAS BEEN poured into my heart! (not maybe someday! It´s a fact!)
The Holy Spirit pours his love into my heart. (He is doing that all the time. Like with a jug he pours his love into my heart and I can´t even hold it, it´s overflowing!)
Yes, if I have to choose then it´s definitely my heart that is more important than my back. Also in the future.
I want him to bring things out into the open. I want his love to be poured into and overflowing from my heart.
I heard God inviting me to hold my heart out to him every morning and every evening.
And not only in a symbolic way, but really: in pushing my breast up front while taking my arms and head back down.
That´s good for my back as well.
I often have a bad posture. Too much sitting, reading and writing.
Shoulders slumped forword. Like I wanted to protect my heart…
God wants me to open up my heart. To make myself vulnerable.
This position reminds me of a superhero (again!). There is a pose of some superhero standing just like that, a ray shooting out of his heart.
I have no superpowers. Nothing pouring out of me.
But God has superpowers! His power and love and healing are poured INTO my heart!
It´s a pose of surrender, of trust and of receiving. Without protection, limits and armor.
This pose before God. For my heart.
And for my back.
Proverbs 4, 23 encourages me to take care of my heart:
„Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that´s where life starts.”
But if I fearfully keep watch over my heart, I form a bend, I build up a wall;
my heart becomes cold, lonely and hard, because I want to protect it from hurt and disappointment.
But how can I watch over my heart without letting that happen? Without hiding it behind a wall?
Fear is the opposite of love.
In John 16,33 Jesus says: „In this world you will have trouble (fear). But take heart! I have conquered the world.“
I don´t want to watch over my heart in a fearful and passive way but in a positive, active way.
I want to open my heart to Jesus. He never disappoints me. Never hurts me.
(If I am disappointed in God in some way, it is because of an illusion he wants to take away from me.
If I am hurt, it may be because of a beneficial surgery he needs to do, a heart surgery. No matter what: God does always want my best. He is always good. All the time.)
I can open my heart to his light and his love.
I don´t need to hide.
I can´t protect my heart without the side effect of hardening it.
But: I can pay attention to it, care for it. Take a close look.
What is inside of my heart? Why?
Fear, guilt, hurt, disappointment,…?
That´s how I take care of my heart: in taking a good look WITH God at my side. And let Him do the healing.
Not in fearfully keeping and hiding it.
I want a wide, open, soft heart.
My heart is God´s residence. Jesus is living inside of me!
And my heart is also a field, where God sows His Word.
A soft soil accepts the seed much better than hard soil.
Ezekiel 36, 26-29: “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. You will be my people and I will be your God. I will save you from all your uncleanness.”
“Open our eyes!” the blind men say.
“Open my heart!” I say.
… It´s so much easier for me to take a good posture when I focus on my heart instead of my back!